I just finished reading a survey of opinions on forgiveness put together by Christina Caron, who writes about mental health issues for the New York Times. She, and the experts she cites, are looking at forgiveness as a tool. I am taking one further step back. I am looking at this genre as a tool.

To do this, I am going to imagine that Ms. Caron has all the resources she might need to examine the issue and that she has chosen some and not others. Of the resources she has chosen, she has passed along some parts of what they have provided, and not other parts. I know this will sound like a criticism, but it is not. I am looking at the broader issue—forgiveness—and using Ms. Caron’s choices as sign posts.

Here are three things I learned, reading this column as an example of the genre. I learned that forgiveness has nothing to do with God. A lot of people, myself included, have come to the question of forgiveness, with this logic: you owe a massive debt to God and he has forgiven you, so by what right do you refuse to forgive a fellow human who have transgressed against you. Sound familiar?

Note that in this formulation, forgiveness is not a strategy. It is a good of its own and it is something you are obligated to do. It is crucially important that God forgive you. God will not forgive you unless you forgive your neighbor. Forgiveness is therefore always the right thing to do. Nothing you can discover about forgiveness will change that status. You can discover that it is costly beyond imagining; you still must do it. You can discover that it is ineffective; you still must do it. It is RIGHT and you will be punished if you do not.

None of that makes sense, of course, if forgiveness is a tool that is best used for some purposes and that need not be used at all if the cost is too high.

The second thing I learned is that forgiveness is something you do alone, unless, of course you count counselors and authors as ways of not being alone. Nothing against the counselors, but it is very rare that there is an offense against you that does not also affect others, sometimes many others. Because in this view, forgiveness is something you do with reference to yourself alone, there is no consideration of whether the others who are involved or who care about how the issue affects you should be part of the act [1] of forgiving. The participation of these others need not make them part of what Susan Schapiro calls “the blanket forgiveness industry.” If they are part of the community of people who are affected, it is reasonable to think that they might helpfully be part of the process of forgiving or of choosing not to forgive.

Before I leave this point, I would like to pause to note the little sting in “the blanket forgiveness industry.” Usually a discussion has been going on for awhile before a category of villains is needed; and it is a separate step to label the people who are pushing the wrong strategy as an “industry” or a “complex.” In Schapiro’s view, the forgiveness discussion has arrived at that point.

If the person who has been wronged is part of a community—even if it is only a community that has coalesced around this grievance—then there are other options. You would not have to manage all the necessary resources alone if the community could ask: a) what shall we do? and b) how can we help? [2] Taking this article as indicative of the whole genre of such writing, I would learn that engaging such a community is not to be considered.

Finally, I learned that there may be effects on the aggrieved person that are valuable and worth pursuing. Forgiveness is now a strategy and we can ask the old familiar questions: what will it cost and what will it get me? Here are some possible benefits cited in the article

Frederick Luskin says that the eventual goal is “to be at peace with your life.” Such a goal enables you to consider all the forgiveness options in the light of whether they produce this attitude in you.

Ms. Caron includes the four values included in this summary.
“Some studies suggest that forgiveness has mental health benefits, helping to improve depression and anxiety. Other studies have found that forgiveness can lower stress, improve physical health and support sound sleep.”

Obviously these are values that can be assessed by the person who has been offended. What has worked for me? Should I keep trying it. Would something else work better?

In fact, Rosana Bakari sees it as part of the process of empowerment. Forgiveness should leave you more in charge of your life and better able to act on your own values. And you are the one who assesses the strategy to see whether it does.

Conclusion: if this column is a good example of the genre—which I take for granted—then we can learn a lot about our options when we have been wronged. And we can make sure we do not become part of the blanket forgiveness industry.

[1] Or the process. That’s one of the issues, but it is an issue that is discussed in the article.
[2] “We” is the first question includes you. In the second question, it includes everyone else, but not you.